12-21-2011, 11:52 PM
Leanne,
"I think you could remove a from this line" I think you are correct.
"claw-like is not bad, but perhaps you'd consider with fingers clawed" Yeah, I wasn't just rel pleased with this, a bit too cliche, just didn't take the time to come up with something better.
"the use of panic/panicked twice in such a short space seems a waste to me" You're right. I didn't notice that I had done that.
"-- another use of stream? " Yeah, I know. I wanted it to echo the above stream, but it needs something better. Too much stream of consciousness on my mind.
"but it might strengthen the line if you had with her" Do you mean
"I dream of Kamala kissing me
with her “lips like a freshly cut fig”
I don't know, that seems a little awkward, or did you mean something different.
I had a professor give his interpt of the "fig" line. He thought Hesse was going for a double entendre of lips of mouth/vagina. Personally, I think it is an excellent description of the mouth lips of the pacific rim women, especially the Thais. In fact the "tall and slender" Siddhartha seems more like the Thai/Indian version than the Chinese. One thing is for certain, Hesse's novel reads much better than the Rig Veda (well, at least the English translation, seeing as how I cannot read Sanskrit).
Thanks for the read and suggestion,
Dale
"I think you could remove a from this line" I think you are correct.
"claw-like is not bad, but perhaps you'd consider with fingers clawed" Yeah, I wasn't just rel pleased with this, a bit too cliche, just didn't take the time to come up with something better.
"the use of panic/panicked twice in such a short space seems a waste to me" You're right. I didn't notice that I had done that.
"-- another use of stream? " Yeah, I know. I wanted it to echo the above stream, but it needs something better. Too much stream of consciousness on my mind.
"but it might strengthen the line if you had with her" Do you mean
"I dream of Kamala kissing me
with her “lips like a freshly cut fig”
I don't know, that seems a little awkward, or did you mean something different.
I had a professor give his interpt of the "fig" line. He thought Hesse was going for a double entendre of lips of mouth/vagina. Personally, I think it is an excellent description of the mouth lips of the pacific rim women, especially the Thais. In fact the "tall and slender" Siddhartha seems more like the Thai/Indian version than the Chinese. One thing is for certain, Hesse's novel reads much better than the Rig Veda (well, at least the English translation, seeing as how I cannot read Sanskrit).
Thanks for the read and suggestion,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.