Dale, Siddhartha is one of my all-time favourites -- it's certainly flavoured a poem or two of mine over the years, not to mention being taken on board as a large part of my personal philosophy.
(12-16-2011, 08:55 PM)Erthona Wrote: I dream of Kamala kissing me
with “lips like a freshly cut fig”, -- I enjoy the direct quote, it's such a beautiful image, but it might strengthen the line if you had with her
while my life and breath are
pleasurably sucked out. -- pleasurably adds quite a good contrast
I awake in a panic, reaching out -- I think you could remove a from this line
with claw-like fingers as though -- claw-like is not bad, but perhaps you'd consider with fingers clawed
I could pull the air into my lungs
faster than my panicked muscles -- the use of panic/panicked twice in such a short space seems a waste to me
are already trying to do.
Sometimes at night my anima wishes
to take more than her fair share,
or so thinks the “I” that I think of as me,
even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream. -- fast moving stream is bordering on cliche, though you definitely need the river/stream surface to echo the experiences in the novel
I think this is why I cannot enjoy
the love she trades for my essence.
Nothing is free, not even within myself.
But the truth is, what really scares me,
is she shows me my impermanence,
for to fall into the stream of her love, -- another use of stream?
I must first embrace the idea that
I do not exist…but love is like that.
It could be worse