Daphne

[Erthona]

I like the idea of “lovers carve their names in her.” It seems so ironically apropos.

This sentence/sentences could use some work.

“Apollo's penis terrified her.
As though it were an axe
she ran through the woods.”

Regardless, whether one or two sentences this could use some work grammatically and syntactically. Maybe something like

“Terrified, she ran through the woods,
fleeing the penis of Apollo,
as though it were an ax,
and she already a rhododendron tree.”

Moving on, maybe a connecting line next:

She prayed to the gods to help her flee,
“Her fingers sprouted greenery,
her vagina was enclosed by bark…”

I think I would drop these last two lines as they seem gratuitous and do not really add anything, except to beat a horse already dead.

“No penetration, grunting, sperm
troubled her hide-and-seek soul.”

Your second section could also use some minor grammatical tightening in places.

“When you cried to be saved,
and took root in the earth,
the passage of time
couldn't be comprehended.”

Just sort of an awkward sentence. I think you at least need a conjunction or a semi-colon after “earth” to connect the dependant clause to the rest of the sentence.

“If it could would you have stopped”

A comma after could would be in order, or maybe even an em dash.

“His sex wounding yours, fist through stone.”

Two unconnected dependant clauses.

“Would you have come, and wanted to again?”
“Would you have come, and then wanted to come again?

“Your fear is mine as well.”
Your fear is mine.

I want to ask, as well as what? Is it pain? Then
“Your fear is mine as well” as your pain.

“Your chastity's dam.” dependant clause

Tense agreement (not major, but awkward as it relates to the later passage)
“I tremble (present tense)at the thought of it (comma) smashed and ruined by a man whose touch I couldn't fight (past) ”

“But you could fight. I want to be loved.”
“You fought. I want to be loved.

I can’t fight….but you fought.
I want to be loved.

I’m all for brevity, but at times you seem to want to take out more than can be justified grammatically, creating unintended ambiguity and unnecessary lack of clarity, .

Sorry, I’m being so brief in my explanation of some of these things, but I am a bit pressed for time. What I have pointed out, I do not do so because it is ungrammatical per se, but because it disturbs the reading and keeps one from staying immersed in the work. I am perfectly fine with writing being ungrammatical as long as it works. Regardless, overall I like the idea you are working with here. I think there is also the possibility for the exploration of nature versus rationality, as we still very much force nature to do our bidding, although nature seems to be in the process of rebelling. You have helped very much to update what was a very anti-feminist sort of story. Apollo gets off very light in the original, here you are showing it for the rape that it is. Personally, I think Apollo should get it in the end, as he is such an insufferable bastard, it would only be fair that Eros' bow should bring him low!

Dale