10-12-2011, 12:22 PM
Hey Heslopian,
(10-11-2011, 04:06 PM)Heslopian Wrote: Life is beginning again. --I would like to see a stronger introduction. Not suggesting to remove this line, but I think you could add something before itjust my thoughts, hope they are helpful!
Stasis' womb has opened, briefly,
pushing me through its entrance several inches, --going to agree with AA, this line detracts from the piece a little bit. maybe something like "inching me closer to its entrance". I think the use of entrance here is interesting, as opposed to "exit". It almost plays on the scene: are you entering the stasis or leaving through the "entrance" it is giving?
to greet blinding lamps which shine on honesty.
My heart is a cave, empty yet secret. again agreeing here. It may have to due with the "heart" already being a metaphor by itself. If it isn't, and you are talking about the organ, it might work. But I'm not convinced that is the case. If it is the case, I would try to think of the exact word that "heart" represents, and use it instead
But day is creeping through the mouth,
towards this furthermost darkness.
Slowly like a shy infant. I begin to hope. ---- I don't know if you need this bit. the images you have might already suggest it, with the day and the image of an infant (new life, among other meanings). if you want to draw it out more, playing with line breaks could help or adding another adjective
Written only for you to consider.

