10-11-2011, 06:05 AM
Hi stef, it's 4.45 am here 
you have three gerunds in consecutive lines (2 at the end of the 1st verse and 1 at the beginning of the 2nd. which weighs the start down a little.
the 1st verse didn't hold me but from "in the church" i was hooked damn it. betomed and noseless. what an image, and a spot on one at that. i don't think "then of course" is needed, though you would need an "and" to start the next line. the last two lines are another great image.
i liked the journey through the pallet, and the last line closed off well.
particles of heavy time was my favourite line. it made the tombs feel like they had substance.
what i did like in 1xt verse was the baize made into an image
personally i think you need to re work l's 4,6,7, and 8. the rest work well for me. jmo
thanks for the read.
you have three gerunds in consecutive lines (2 at the end of the 1st verse and 1 at the beginning of the 2nd. which weighs the start down a little.
the 1st verse didn't hold me but from "in the church" i was hooked damn it. betomed and noseless. what an image, and a spot on one at that. i don't think "then of course" is needed, though you would need an "and" to start the next line. the last two lines are another great image.
i liked the journey through the pallet, and the last line closed off well.
particles of heavy time was my favourite line. it made the tombs feel like they had substance.
what i did like in 1xt verse was the baize made into an image
personally i think you need to re work l's 4,6,7, and 8. the rest work well for me. jmo
thanks for the read.