10-06-2011, 05:29 AM
Billy, this is a splendid ghazal -- I was so impressed when I first read it that I called my other half over to have a look, since he's something of a ghazal connoisseur, and he concurs. That it's unusual subject matter for the form makes it even more exciting, as you've used it to great effect, with excellent shifts in the way the refrain works between each couplet.
To be honest, I'm not convinced that "limpid" is much less cliched than "crystal" -- I think tears have been modified to death in poetry, so I'd suggest looking in a slightly different direction for an alternative there. Perhaps a time of day or year? I don't know when exactly -- they're your tears! -- but something like "and left midwinter tears" for example?
Anyway, I'm really impressed with your ghazal.
To be honest, I'm not convinced that "limpid" is much less cliched than "crystal" -- I think tears have been modified to death in poetry, so I'd suggest looking in a slightly different direction for an alternative there. Perhaps a time of day or year? I don't know when exactly -- they're your tears! -- but something like "and left midwinter tears" for example?
Anyway, I'm really impressed with your ghazal.
It could be worse