Mutiny

[Leanne]

As light becomes a burning golden stream,
and never-ending grey horizons bleed,
all fractured glass realities will break,
to singe the echoed emptiness of flesh;
sweet zephyrs through the charnel houses blow,
and purge* them of all semblances of will.

In time the multicoloured masses will
flow unresisting in a single stream,
without necessity to strike a blow,
though eyes are turned so goddesses may bleed,
and make the world anew from blackened flesh,
which into bread unwillingly shall break.

As waves upon the shores of silence break,
erosion gains an elemental will,
and wakens in its new-discovered flesh,
a consciousness enlivened by the stream
of innocence too adamant to bleed
and hurricanes too hesitant to blow.

The gentle kiss to numb before the blow,
the anaesthetic dream becomes the break,
a tamponade of hemlock for the bleed;
awake or dead, organic shadows will
be smoothed and tumbled by the turgid stream,
with aromatic leeches for the flesh.

Behold the thunder moulded into flesh,
and hear the trump of insurrection blow,
as stars fall in an effervescent stream,
perfection through the heavens, though they break
upon escape, the universe’s will:
to leave the place allotted is to bleed.

And with that sacrificial stellar bleed
comes knowledge in a stirring of the flesh,
a shock to resurrect the battered will;
and on abraded skin shall gently blow
the breath that will inspire the final break,
so through the veins the flames of freedom stream.

Though fingers bleed before they strike the blow,
the revolution’s flesh will only break
if conscious will surrenders to the stream.


*changed from "cleanse" 6/10/11 thanks to Abu Nuwas

[billy]

had a quick pass through as i'm working,
i will say it slips through the mind like silk on naked breasts. will do something constructive when i've sorted out what im doing

[Aish]

Leanne, I think this is lush. I realize that isn't exactly constructive and I rarely have anything to offer you that isn't just blatant praise.
So, I shall have a cup of coffee and return.

[Wildcard]

Hi Leanne,
[ind] I generally think of myself as having a good practical vocabulary, but reading your poems causes an unconcious comparison between the mundane way that I propose and your 'animated movies'. If I had a suggestion it would have to be for you to post more often.

[Leanne]

AA, I will make you eat those words... when I have time, I'll write a lesson on sestinas in the novice forum and you'll understand what true masochism really is

Usually a poem only takes me half an hour or so to write (first draft of course), but this was an all-nighter, requiring nearly half a bottle of whisky to get through!

[billy]

As light becomes a burning golden stream,
and never-ending grey horizons bleed,
all fractured glass realities will break,
to singe the echoed emptiness of flesh;
sweet zephyrs through the charnel houses blow,
and cleanse them of all semblances of will. would 'to' be better than 'and'

In time the multicoloured masses will
flow unresisting in a single stream,
without necessity to strike a blow,
though eyes are turned so goddesses may bleed,
and make the world anew from blackened flesh,
which into bread unwillingly shall break.

As waves upon the shores of silence break,
erosion gains an elemental will,
and wakens in its new-discovered flesh,
a consciousness enlivened by the stream
of innocence too adamant to bleed
and hurricanes too hesitant to blow.

The gentle kiss to numb before the blow,
the anaesthetic dream becomes the break,
a tamponade of hemlock for the bleed;
awake or dead, organic shadows will
be smoothed and tumbled by the turgid stream,
with aromatic leeches for the flesh.

Behold the thunder moulded into flesh,
and hear the trump of insurrection blow,
as stars fall in an effervescent stream,
perfection through the heavens, though they break
upon escape, the universe’s will:
to leave the place allotted is to bleed.

And with that sacrificial stellar bleed
comes knowledge in a stirring of the flesh,
a shock to resurrect the battered will;
and on abraded skin shall gently blow
the breath that will inspire the final break,
so through the veins the flames of freedom stream.

Though fingers bleed before they strike the blow,
the revolution’s flesh will only break
if conscious will surrenders to the stream.

i tried a few of these buggers meself and never got near this quality
the rhyme scheme is perfect which is a feat unto itself. and not just that but the repetitions are done is such a way as to not notice that they're actually repetitions. the content itself: apart from the 1st line making me think of piss (yes, yes, i know i'm a gutter-snipe) it's so solidly done. thats the first use of tamponade i've seen in a poem.
so many images to like

Though fingers bleed before they strike the blow,
the revolution’s flesh will only break
if conscious will surrenders to the stream.

so russiian, so ludditeish.
i love that you didn't use the word slave, so sea.

the extended metaphor or sea/water (as in stream) works without a jar.
excellently done. i did have one huge nit which i left in the body of the poem

thanks for the read sorry i couldn't be more constructive in the feedback.

[Leanne]

Billy, thanks, that's pretty constructive -- "to" would possibly work better than/ equal to "and", except that I have "to" two lines above I also have "and" starting a line in that stanza, I realise, but trying to keep reasonably correct grammar within the enjambment and still working in the prescribed words... well, it's bloody hard! I need to think of an alternative to "cleanse" I think, but it's not easy with the meter to think of either.

[billy]

it was the cleanse that made me make the suggestion. thought irt was easier to alter and. the thing is, it was a minuscule nit at best. (to show i was paying attention mainly) certainly one that could be ignored.

[abu nuwas]

Like Billy, it took a little before the penny dropped -- when I thought 'There's a whole lot a breakin' goin' on' . Once I realised, I knew that you had spent a long time on it-- presumably, editing out the whisky later. The difficulty is, that at the end of of your travails, you get a handsome-looking poem. At the end of my reading ( and these things do make a person read, or skip), I just get a few infantile, and not very helpful remarks.

There is a tiny nuance over 'to' and 'and'. If you have 'and' (which I prefer), the implication is that the Zephyrs blow, and as they do, they cleanse, whereas 'to' implies that the cleansing is the purpose of their blowing.

I was mortified to see you had 'erosion' and 'blackened' 13 minutes before me!

I did wonder about 'purge' in the place of 'cleanse'. What is more, I cooked up a 'p' noun to replace 'semblance' -- and then forgot!

The straight-jacket must needs restrain creativity in some ways, yet it struck me as having all the appearance of some wistful piece of Keats, but with some nasty French writer chucked in. I am in just the same place as Billy and AA and Aish-- hoping to be more critical next time!

[Wildcard]

--On a second sitting, I realized I missed the entire layout of the poem . . . [disgusted with myself] . . . [/disgusted with myself]

I did want to say that 'hurricanes too hesitant to blow' is awesome.

[Leanne]

Edward, I'm going to put "purge" in instead -- that line's been bugging me for ages and I like that much better. "cleanse" and "semblance" is too sibilant for my taste, I just hadn't thought of an alternative, so thank you!

Thanks AA... really, when I get around to it, you'll be tearing your hair out with one of these buggers!