10-01-2011, 08:19 PM
Sorry it took so long to get back to this but I put it away for awhile to give it some thought.
I eliminated the redundant “passed” Let me know if you agree with word choice, or if you can suggest better.
Also changed the enjambment on L7 but decided to eliminate "he watched," as that fact has already been established previously. I purposely chose to keep the last two lines short. I will probably never be completely satisfied with it but this is where I am now with it. Let me know your thoughts if you would. Thanks,
Sid