09-28-2011, 10:25 AM
Lovely imagery in this one... the lights in the dark lends an ethereal drama to the scene, but it isn't overdone either. I love the dogs circling part... it just adds something unexpected and mysterious.
reading it over again, i would have to say the line "twilight falls" is unnecessary, just imo. You already established september evening which is enough to transition to the rising moon later. In truth, I think the entire third stanza can be removed without much problem, since the fourth stanza offers up a more effective image of lights in the distance, delineating the far edges of the scene .
Also, in the 5th stanza, "a helium balloon; floating up to clear sky" is an image that imo works better for daytime the nighttime. I do appreciate that it brings a sort of levity, however I don't get levity from the tone of any of your other lines, which for me heightens that sense that the balloon was just fitted in as a filler line. I'd suggest removing the balloon part, and trying to work in the harvest moon breaking the horizon either into stanza for or 6 (preferably stanza 6, the last--- harvest moon breaking the horizon perfectly compliments the image of a stone skimming and "breaking" the water)
Those are just my two suggestions. Feel free to ignore if they don't work for you
reading it over again, i would have to say the line "twilight falls" is unnecessary, just imo. You already established september evening which is enough to transition to the rising moon later. In truth, I think the entire third stanza can be removed without much problem, since the fourth stanza offers up a more effective image of lights in the distance, delineating the far edges of the scene .
Also, in the 5th stanza, "a helium balloon; floating up to clear sky" is an image that imo works better for daytime the nighttime. I do appreciate that it brings a sort of levity, however I don't get levity from the tone of any of your other lines, which for me heightens that sense that the balloon was just fitted in as a filler line. I'd suggest removing the balloon part, and trying to work in the harvest moon breaking the horizon either into stanza for or 6 (preferably stanza 6, the last--- harvest moon breaking the horizon perfectly compliments the image of a stone skimming and "breaking" the water)
Those are just my two suggestions. Feel free to ignore if they don't work for you
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?