Ozymandias

[abu nuwas]

It could be such a delightful romp if the rhythm was a bit better. I liked Leanne's edits and would add one: the second clause of the last line, "pass us another eclair," the stresses in "another" seem not to match the stresses of the line above it. I have no suggestions because I agree with Leanne that the line above it should also be revised. The poem is certainly good enough to work on and I'm sorry to be so critical.

You should of course give good, honest ctiticism-- otherwise, the whole purpose is defeated, and we end up with 'Awesome!'

In truth, I think this was, like so much of what I do, born of a good idea, in laziness. I could find a metrical straight-jacket to fit, but it would look v different. Perhaps I should think of an extra line or so, but snappy. I will return!