09-24-2011, 10:51 PM
Hi Aish,
I took a retelling of The Fall from Genesis from this (probably way off). I took sibilant words to be Adam and Eve discussing the Serpent's proposition thus the sibilance. My only suggestion on S1 is that you could move plaint before coals and cut from mouths entirely.
I love the enhancement of the coal imagery with meteoric ants marching. The marching especially gives an inexorable feel to it all. Once the words start the outcome is inevitable.
The final strophe with its doctrinal corpuscles (sacrificial system beginning) and its naked seclusion as the first revelation.
Like I said, I'm probably way off, but I loved what you did with this.
Best,
Todd
I took a retelling of The Fall from Genesis from this (probably way off). I took sibilant words to be Adam and Eve discussing the Serpent's proposition thus the sibilance. My only suggestion on S1 is that you could move plaint before coals and cut from mouths entirely.
I love the enhancement of the coal imagery with meteoric ants marching. The marching especially gives an inexorable feel to it all. Once the words start the outcome is inevitable.
The final strophe with its doctrinal corpuscles (sacrificial system beginning) and its naked seclusion as the first revelation.
Like I said, I'm probably way off, but I loved what you did with this.
Best,
Todd
(09-23-2011, 02:57 PM)Aish Wrote: Sibilant words
drop like coals
from plaint mouths;
meteoric ants
marching
to the doctrinal corpuscles
of naked seclusion.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson