Deer on Mill Hill at Nightfall

[cvillelisa]

Hi there... I didn't read all the responses so forgive if I am being repetitious ...

Deer on Mill Hill at Nightfall

Running home to beat the dark
across an ocean of meadow grass

You could consider a flip here -- and also maybe more staccato to induce a "running" feeling. And I wonder if "home" is important?

Running across
an ocean of meadow grass <-- not sure "meadow" is needed i sort of like just ocean/grass being closer together.
to beat the dark

Again -- just playing with enjambment and line breaks here:

knees rip ankles turn
and tangle boots stumble
the furrows
along the stubble field.

On Mill Hill the earth is chain-harrowed. <--- chain harrowed is so delicious -- i know without ploughed you lose the great rhyme but could blood plough?
Blood pounds
seabreezes steal breath
feet heavy clay-clarted
stop a moment gauge position.

Up wind
three roe deer break cover
from twisted whitethorn bushes
freeze on the brow
black against the violet sky < very ezra pound those two lines -- in a station of the metro-like

Quite frankly -- i don't need the rest of these lines -- I want the image you painted to do all the pulling of the "split second" and call the poem "Day from Night"

poise on the point
of that split second
that separates
Day from night.


Oh this is exciting. Thank you for letting me do my thing. It is always helpful you know.