09-23-2011, 08:02 AM
Just thought I'd chip in a little more, because I'm nosey 
On end-line punctuation: I tend to prefer all or nothing, ie either punctuate every line to indicate both pauses and grammar, or leave it out entirely and have a nice, clean (and grammatically ambiguous) piece. As you've only got full-stops at the end of each stanza, I'd tend to suggest leaving the punctuation out altogether -- though I do know where AA is coming from with the slight stumble between L3&4. I wonder how you'd go shifting line breaks a little to give "ankles turn and tangle" its own line, so you have a kind of action sequence.
On "clarted": it's used in Scotland as well, and I love the alliteration of it here. (My other half occasionally refers to me as a "clarty midden"... which is less than complimentary...)
On end-line punctuation: I tend to prefer all or nothing, ie either punctuate every line to indicate both pauses and grammar, or leave it out entirely and have a nice, clean (and grammatically ambiguous) piece. As you've only got full-stops at the end of each stanza, I'd tend to suggest leaving the punctuation out altogether -- though I do know where AA is coming from with the slight stumble between L3&4. I wonder how you'd go shifting line breaks a little to give "ankles turn and tangle" its own line, so you have a kind of action sequence.
On "clarted": it's used in Scotland as well, and I love the alliteration of it here. (My other half occasionally refers to me as a "clarty midden"... which is less than complimentary...)
It could be worse