09-15-2011, 05:29 PM
you're getting the idea 
soulful artisan isn't an image though and the syntax of the 1st line feels off.
grammar was seldom used except for the dash or cut --
so commas should be sparing if at all. the image has to be tangible, something you see, not something imagined.
i said in my tennis haiku.
Wimbledon fortnight, thinking about it that's more a thought than an image.
so now i would change it to simply;
Wimbledon
eating cream and strawberries-
rain stops play
ignoring the 5,7,5 syl count is the only poetic licence we have with a haiku.
so if you think about it, your feedback has made me do two edits to my haiku....Thanks.
soulful artisan isn't an image though and the syntax of the 1st line feels off.
grammar was seldom used except for the dash or cut --
so commas should be sparing if at all. the image has to be tangible, something you see, not something imagined.
i said in my tennis haiku.
Wimbledon fortnight, thinking about it that's more a thought than an image.
so now i would change it to simply;
Wimbledon
eating cream and strawberries-
rain stops play
ignoring the 5,7,5 syl count is the only poetic licence we have with a haiku.
so if you think about it, your feedback has made me do two edits to my haiku....Thanks.