She the Night

[heslopian]

At first I thought the syntax seemed jumbled. But after a false start I began to fall in love with the eccentric rhythm of the piece. Like metered verse a brisk reading pace is needed to fully reap the benefits of its construction. The third verse is my favourite; it's utterly perfect in how it encourages the reader to transcend and for a moment be coddled by the fantasy. My only suggestion is that you make the last three lines one verse, like so:

"becomes white space
promise"

I don't think we need to physically see the white space, and the trick is kind of gimmicky in an otherwise elegant design.