09-09-2011, 05:37 PM
The last verse is so sudden and final that it provokes a burst of laughter in me. An elegant construction Bilbo, vulgar and cynical.
This may be a personal thing, but I think the profanity in L2 would work better inbetween "ginger" and "tom".
A couple of grammatical nits:
* "Slung between his legs; just
beneath his arse, queens would swoon."
These lines seem oddly arranged. How about:
"Slung between his legs, just
beneath his arse; queens would swoon."
*"Storms" needs an apostrophe as it's being used in the possessive context.
Does "Again" need a comma after it? It might improve the rhythm if you cut it out. For me, anyway.
Thanks for the read, Bilbo
This may be a personal thing, but I think the profanity in L2 would work better inbetween "ginger" and "tom".
A couple of grammatical nits:
* "Slung between his legs; just
beneath his arse, queens would swoon."
These lines seem oddly arranged. How about:
"Slung between his legs, just
beneath his arse; queens would swoon."
*"Storms" needs an apostrophe as it's being used in the possessive context.
Does "Again" need a comma after it? It might improve the rhythm if you cut it out. For me, anyway.
Thanks for the read, Bilbo
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe