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neighbourhood cats prowl a patch of grass
fenced in by wooden stumps. one watches me
with gaping eyes, the absurd paranoia of a kitten,
ignorant to man's worry,
how it exceeds his simple ambitions.
his fellows linger behind, lids at half mast,
lazily licking their mouths. i wonder how long
they've been here, wandering the small estate,
looking at windows with indifference and fear,
being chased by young sadists.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Jack,
Some great lines here. If I could make any suggestions they would be these:
L3: I don't know if you need gaping eyes. It has a more interesting read for me without that.
L4-5: I wish you would stay more personal with the me (your specific stresses or ambitions). I find the tone shift a bit jarring as it is.
S2: Love the alliteration and sonics.
I also really like the ending. The main focus for me on revision is the L4-5 tone (could just be my ear, but there it is).
Much enjoyed.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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As always, I'm in awe of your delicious wording. This short piece is extremely engaging. (I've read it quite a few times now.) This is not exactly a criticism, but in the next-to-last line you mention 'indifference' AND 'fear.' I didn't understand that and I get the feeling I'm missing something.
In any case, this is damn good work and I am appreciative of your share.
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(09-09-2011, 05:29 AM)Todd Wrote: Jack,
Some great lines here. If I could make any suggestions they would be these:
L3: I don't know if you need gaping eyes. It has a more interesting read for me without that.
L4-5: I wish you would stay more personal with the me (your specific stresses or ambitions). I find the tone shift a bit jarring as it is.
S2: Love the alliteration and sonics.
I also really like the ending. The main focus for me on revision is the L4-5 tone (could just be my ear, but there it is).
Much enjoyed.
Best,
Todd
Are you saying there's a shift in tone because the poem moves away from the narrator to encompass all man?
Thanks for your feedback Todd
(09-09-2011, 05:55 AM)AvariciousApathist Wrote: As always, I'm in awe of your delicious wording. This short piece is extremely engaging. (I've read it quite a few times now.) This is not exactly a criticism, but in the next-to-last line you mention 'indifference' AND 'fear.' I didn't understand that and I get the feeling I'm missing something.
In any case, this is damn good work and I am appreciative of your share.
Indifference on the part of the cats lingering behind and licking their mouths, fear on the part of the cat with gaping eyes. I wondered if I should have made that clearer.
Thanks for your kind words and feedback, AA
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Yes Jack that's what I'm saying.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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sorry for missing this one jack;
(09-09-2011, 02:52 AM)Heslopian Wrote: neighbourhood cats prowl a patch of grass
fenced in by wooden stumps. one watches me
with gaping eyes, the absurd paranoia of a kitten,
ignorant to man's worry,
how it exceeds his simple ambitions.
his fellows linger behind, lids at half mast, great image
lazily licking their mouths. i wonder how long
they've been here, wandering the small estate,
looking at windows with indifference and fear,
being chased by young sadists.
for me the 2nd verse is really good. when i read it i see cats.
some good L's in therem glad you didn't use lip's at the end of the 2nd line
the first verse feels a little less about cats and more about humans playing off cats. for me, if i had an edit to suggest it would be the last two lines of the 1st. unlike Todd, i like the gaping eye thing even though it may be a little cliche; in this instance it works well enough to get used.
jmo
thanks for the read
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Thanks for your kind words and feedback Bilbo
And thanks for clarifying Todd!
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
