09-09-2011, 12:30 AM
Hi Rob,
Welcome to the forums! It was good to read your poem. Since this is mild, I'll confine myself to a few comments. You have some great imagery here. The academies line as a cloud and then gargoyles, empty leaves as unborn children, and a lot more. I normally cringe reading writing about writing, but I really liked this.
I also liked your strophe break over asignation.
Really, a lot more I could point out that worked well. I was unsure of what your curtain line really did for you standing alone. Most of your line breaks seem good to me, it was just that one I had issues with. Also, I think what you're doing with your first line in breaking it early for mystery is perfectly valid.
Alternatively you could play with it a bit:
When you see a star as a bullet-
hole in god’s velvet
Granted that may be too cute.
Lot of momentum though, fun read.
Thanks for the post.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the forums! It was good to read your poem. Since this is mild, I'll confine myself to a few comments. You have some great imagery here. The academies line as a cloud and then gargoyles, empty leaves as unborn children, and a lot more. I normally cringe reading writing about writing, but I really liked this.
I also liked your strophe break over asignation.
Really, a lot more I could point out that worked well. I was unsure of what your curtain line really did for you standing alone. Most of your line breaks seem good to me, it was just that one I had issues with. Also, I think what you're doing with your first line in breaking it early for mystery is perfectly valid.
Alternatively you could play with it a bit:
When you see a star as a bullet-
hole in god’s velvet
Granted that may be too cute.
Lot of momentum though, fun read.
Thanks for the post.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson