She the Night

[Todd]

Hi Leanne,

Gorgeous writing! This is so unlike anything I write or possibly could write that I just feel very attached to it. The closest thing it reminds me of in its Cadence (in places) is Crazy Hair by Neal Gaiman.

So taking this where it starts as a personification of the night. Here goes:

She is seedblown longpause sit and sigh--This is one of my favorite lines of yours ever. It works on a lot of levels. So night is a dandelion clock blown empty (seedblown is so lovely) by a lover who sits and sighs. I love the longpause as one word. I like that you can consider this action as a precursor to the stars. It's as if we look up at a stary sky and imaging that the stars were blown out into the darkness like the tiny parasol seeds of a dandelion.
to underline, not undermine
to redefine--like the rhyme and the clipped phrasing. So, to bring an emphasis to the blackness not to detract with their distant light.

She’ll try
with subtle slaps to empathise
through murky mists most asinine
take tea and scones with Frankenstein,
Dorian and I

--this is where it feels like a children's story (Crazy Hair). I wonder how one empathises with subtle slaps. I like the short She'll try line it gives momentum to the rest of the stanza. Perhaps the murky mists are asinine because we resent on some level the inability to see what's before us. I also like the contrast of having a civil discourse wth a mad scientist who creates abominations more human than himself under night's cover and Dorian (I assume Gray) who is also seen through a mucky mist most asinine. I like the rhyme and the sonics throughout. It sounds good to read it aloud.

Feet once muddied stride across the sky--beautiful line. You may not need across. It's more of liking the way it reads without it not that it's a defect
head bowed, I realise
that she, like swan knight mystic Lohengrin
can never speak of powers near divine
to soothe and salve; her shine
is shaded by innocuous disguise

--I love the blending of Lohengrin and the idea that her shine is shaded by innocuous disguise. I like the progression of thought in this stanza. It holds together well

My sighs and I
to compromise
shall bind her with poetic line
and thus enshrine
(parenthesise)
this punctuated paladin
and idolise
her phrases fine
while she, all elements
centrifuged

becomes white


space

promise

I enjoyed how the speaker finally steps out from behind myth and legend and seeks to bind the night as though with a incantation (poetic line). The sighs draw us satisfyingly back to the beginning and the contemplation that brought these thoughts. I love the punctuate and parenthesise parts and that she is ultimately centrifuged (great word) into her opposite (white space). I like your use of space in the breaks and that we are left with the germination of an idea (promise) to be put down on blank paper with the night as the inspiration (the ink in a way) to fill the page.

I really liked this piece Leanne. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd