Thanks for the comments Billy. This was one of the flawed poems I spoke abou. I wrote this before the sentence was passed and I can make some changes to the piece certainly. Your point is well made. I'll also consider the changes you suggest as well as darker imagery.
Best,
Todd
Well, this was a very raw first draft that I didn't plan on editing because I wasn't sure I liked this enough. I made some quick edits based on your comments and where they took me. I doubt this is the final revision. I hadn't looked at the poem since the news reports of her case first surfaced, so I have enough distance to make some changes. At this point I don't want to change to plural they. I still want one woman as representative. I fully agree on the heaven comment (paradise and garden images didn't hold the force so I reworked the line. Offense is another one of those US/UK differences. The darker imagery was harder. I added a little. I want to avoid graphic excesses. I'm going for more of the quiet complicit side with this piece though clearly you could go in many different (and probably better) directions with the piece.
Best,
Todd
Well, this was a very raw first draft that I didn't plan on editing because I wasn't sure I liked this enough. I made some quick edits based on your comments and where they took me. I doubt this is the final revision. I hadn't looked at the poem since the news reports of her case first surfaced, so I have enough distance to make some changes. At this point I don't want to change to plural they. I still want one woman as representative. I fully agree on the heaven comment (paradise and garden images didn't hold the force so I reworked the line. Offense is another one of those US/UK differences. The darker imagery was harder. I added a little. I want to avoid graphic excesses. I'm going for more of the quiet complicit side with this piece though clearly you could go in many different (and probably better) directions with the piece.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson