07-30-2011, 06:18 PM
I love the sonics of your first line, and it opens the poem up straight away. I wonder if you'd consider making "stormgreen" a compound word? "Smooth jazz" -- though I like the feeling of smooth against the glass, the phrase itself has become a little hackneyed.
"Frozen downbeat" gives me the idea of waiting in vain for the next upbeat, being kept in a pit of not-quite-silence -- it actually makes my skin crawl a little, in a good way (poetically speaking). This ties in beautifully with "fluently paralyzed", and the preceding strophe is eerie. Were it mine, I'd probably break that last line and put "paralyzed" on its own, but that's a very small thing.
"Frozen downbeat" gives me the idea of waiting in vain for the next upbeat, being kept in a pit of not-quite-silence -- it actually makes my skin crawl a little, in a good way (poetically speaking). This ties in beautifully with "fluently paralyzed", and the preceding strophe is eerie. Were it mine, I'd probably break that last line and put "paralyzed" on its own, but that's a very small thing.
It could be worse