Promenade

[Aish]

At the foot of the world,
I am the spider
in the center of pearlescent secrets

intentionally disguised
as delicate.

[addy]

What a gorgeous piece. And I'm conflicted... on the one hand, there are a couple of punctuations that grammatically speaking are errors (comma after center, ending at "disguised" with "as delicate" as a sentence fragment) but I can see they are artistic decisions to reframe the flow of thought and correcting them straight-out makes the poem run too fast. I wish I had some ideas to account for this, but as of now image and structure-wise it stands pretty great

[billy]

the colour for me is a little hard on the eyes.
i don't think the comma after centre isn't needed.
other than that nit, it works for me, i thought
about the line space and at first thought no
but after a few reads i grew to like it, in such
a short poem i think it adds an extra dimension.

thanks for the read.

[critical mass]

At the foot of the world,
I am the spider
in the center, of pearlescent secrets

intentionally disguised.
As delicate.

Aish

I liked this but I can hardly read it on my monitor because of the light color.

"in the center, of pearlescent secrets" is a great line. Nice visual.

At the foot of the world makes me think it's about to be stepped on,
I know this is probably intentional. I like to see spiders a little higher up.

At any rate a good read

David

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

I sort of read "at the foot of the world" like I was reading a myth. Like Jörmungandr, though in this case I guess Anansi would be more appropriate. So, it read more like I am THE spider. The prototype of spider if you will.

in the center of pearlescent secrets is a great description of not only the web, but it makes you think of the secrets as vibrations on the web--as if the secrets were prey. Metaphorically, I guess the speaker is someone who appears delicate and unobtrusive (the foot of the world might speak to a meek social positon, or to someone easily overlooked).

The last two lines tell us that what we think we see with this person is not what we really see. Intentionally may simply mean that it was their intention or simply that it was a design from nature they cannot help but be what they are--but whatever that is it isn't delicate.

It's a tight little piece that works well. I will stand with some of the other comments and say that the punctuation heavily detracts--even though I'm sure it's intentional I don't think it buys you more than it costs you. I would consider smoothing out the fragments or eliminating punctuation entirely perhaps.

Just some things to consider.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

I have taken all your suggestions to heart. Thank you, each of you, for such generous feedback.

Todd, Anansi is perfect.
"in the center of pearlescent secrets is a great description of not only the web, but it makes you think of the secrets as vibrations on the web--as if the secrets were prey. Metaphorically, I guess the speaker is someone who appears delicate and unobtrusive (the foot of the world might speak to a meek social positon, or to someone easily overlooked).

The last two lines tell us that what we think we see with this person is not what we really see. Intentionally may simply mean that it was their intention or simply that it was a design from nature they cannot help but be what they are--but whatever that is it isn't delicate." I think I would love to pick your mind some day. You read me very well.

[Philatone]

Hello Aish

I don't think I have had the pleasure so far of offering a crit of your work. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much of a crit I can offer of this, especially the modified version. Initially, I was going to agree with Todd and say that the route of no punctuation might be best here, but honestly I really liked the comma in line one, the period in the last line, and how they are located in about the place above and below each other; really adds to the symmetry, which is important when you have a word like "center" involved. Interestingly enough, I also like how neither "center" nor "I" are not perfectly in the center, though it revolves around that concept to a degree. Continuing, opening with "at the foot" is very clever.

Breaking from aesthetics, I read the last two lines as applicable to either the spider or the secrets, which is a great flexibility. Quality over quantity should have this as a definition; great piece.

[Aish]

Welcome to my corner of The Mucky Pig, Philatone. Thank you very much for your comments.

The punctuation was somewhat inspired by the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, as well as something rambling through my head. There is (hopefully) a full story here complete with illustrations. I am simply waiting for its birth.