07-25-2011, 08:18 PM
I never read other critiques until I've posted my own on a poem, so forgive me if I'm repeating what's already been said.
I'm going to take a guess at what this poem is about: a society woman who pretends to be aloof and controlled while secretly walking on eggshells around people she deems important, much to the consternation of her husband/boyfriend.
I'm not sure I like "on the edge" in the first line. It seems cliche. Woman dancing on the edge... Seems like many poems I've read before. I don't know why but I think changing "on" to "at" would help. Maybe it's the two uses of the word "on" in the same line which jars me.
Thank you for teaching me a new word in "sophistry"
The last sentence has too many syllables I think. It interrupts the flow and seems clunky. How about instead of "the enigmatic" you put something like "her wide smile"? Just a suggestion.
Other than these quibbles this was a rather splendid piece; delicately structured and finely painted. I love the internal rhyme of "conversations" and "options." Thanks for the read.
I'm going to take a guess at what this poem is about: a society woman who pretends to be aloof and controlled while secretly walking on eggshells around people she deems important, much to the consternation of her husband/boyfriend.
I'm not sure I like "on the edge" in the first line. It seems cliche. Woman dancing on the edge... Seems like many poems I've read before. I don't know why but I think changing "on" to "at" would help. Maybe it's the two uses of the word "on" in the same line which jars me.
Thank you for teaching me a new word in "sophistry"
The last sentence has too many syllables I think. It interrupts the flow and seems clunky. How about instead of "the enigmatic" you put something like "her wide smile"? Just a suggestion.
Other than these quibbles this was a rather splendid piece; delicately structured and finely painted. I love the internal rhyme of "conversations" and "options." Thanks for the read.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe