07-25-2011, 03:49 AM
Hi Sid,
You've had a lot of comments on this already and the line breaks have already been addressed. I just wanted to add that I really like your tone and word choices throughout. This is an unpredictable piece. I especially like the internal rhyme of day with Creme Brule. I did make me wonder specifically what that top his day experience would be like: carmelized sugar and a blow torch
. The entire sundress part was well done also. I like that you didn't choose anything easy or predictable here and that the end result still felt so unforced.
Enjoyed the read.
Best,
Todd
You've had a lot of comments on this already and the line breaks have already been addressed. I just wanted to add that I really like your tone and word choices throughout. This is an unpredictable piece. I especially like the internal rhyme of day with Creme Brule. I did make me wonder specifically what that top his day experience would be like: carmelized sugar and a blow torch
. The entire sundress part was well done also. I like that you didn't choose anything easy or predictable here and that the end result still felt so unforced.Enjoyed the read.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson