Revised: A Critique of Walt Whitman

[critical mass]

Heslopian

I haven't read much of Walt Whitman, (he says, slightly embarrassed).


****Nice opening lines. Reads well out loud.
I cannot stomach comradeship,
the masculinity you loved, as soldiers sleep by lakes
and woo, women sew the meadow's store,


and everyone is ripe with joy, stranger holding
kind stranger, Indians and whites at peace;

***this is slightly jarring.
two "ands" in 2 flines...also ..."Kind" is a thudding word in an otherwise smooth line.
of course Whitman may have used this line
so it may be a necessity to the poem.

what is this strange utopia, this place we tell children about
to placate them each night?

***I don't think you need the question mark, it's rhetorical. jmo

I'm obsessive compulsive on line breaks I think. Some lines seem to break on the wrong word but I can't put my finger on them.
I always second guess myself on line breaks so this may be a stupid comment.

Thanks for the read

David