Bisbee Blue (Latest Revisions)

[ICSoria]

He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing at
those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each time
she passed, on lissome steps to top his day
like Crème Brule. The titillating shade
of Summer's evening hue would gently tease him
as he watched it filter through a sheer
sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.

ICSoria
©2011

the enjambment feels off to me at the end of L 7.
for me you have a good free verse poem ( i did see the last two end rhymes but ignored them) with original images. i love the bisbee blue instead of turquoise, the internal rhythm in places is excellent, day/brule to name one.

you used passed twice, could another word be used to negate the repetition?

a great upbeat love poem. jmo

thanks for the read.

Billy,
Good catch on both points. I will attempt to reword it.

Sid

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Really like this a lot.
The line breaks feel awkward to me in places.

I read it easier with these line breaks.
Not trying to rewrite your poem.



He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing
at those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each
time she passed, on lissome steps
to top his day like Crème Brule. The titillating
shade of Summer's evening hue would gently
tease him as he watched it filter through
a sheer sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.


David

David,
You are correct, that is indeed how it should read. I simply tend to write them out, usually, in an iambic pentameter or tetrameter. And I don't mind a jump now and then as it keeps it from becoming too monotonous by adding a bit of modulation. Not to say that it always works but I am still trying to learn the various aspects of form poetry. Sincere thanks for your comments.

Sid