07-22-2011, 01:55 PM
Really like this a lot.
The line breaks feel awkward to me in places.
I read it easier with these line breaks.
Not trying to rewrite your poem.
He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing
at those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each
time she passed, on lissome steps
to top his day like Crème Brule. The titillating
shade of Summer's evening hue would gently
tease him as he watched it filter through
a sheer sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.
David
The line breaks feel awkward to me in places.
I read it easier with these line breaks.
Not trying to rewrite your poem.
He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing
at those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each
time she passed, on lissome steps
to top his day like Crème Brule. The titillating
shade of Summer's evening hue would gently
tease him as he watched it filter through
a sheer sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.
David