07-20-2011, 12:29 AM
I like how you used the refrain to mean something entirely different here:
The dark can’t hide your dank decay --
You’re faded now, no longer young,
When night wins shade from weary day.
It begins the poem as a simple passage of hours it becomes the sense of youth giving over to age.
That's just one example. You mix it up a lot here and keep both refrains fresh. As you read this you are advancing through the emotional context of a relationship. It takes a lot of work to establish this sense of momentum without sacrificing form.
It's amazing to see how much work some of these lines do. L1 with it's use of "wins" sets up L2 (the conflict between the couple) and makes L3 (the second refrain work).
The one partner dazzles
The narrator has an honest flesh
Then later the one who dazzles is now a harp unstrung playing off the earlier set up in S2.
S6 also ties back to S1 L2 in a way with scraps your mouth has flung (teeth, tongue).
Not much critique in this critique mostly just appreciation.
Best,
Todd
The dark can’t hide your dank decay --
You’re faded now, no longer young,
When night wins shade from weary day.
It begins the poem as a simple passage of hours it becomes the sense of youth giving over to age.
That's just one example. You mix it up a lot here and keep both refrains fresh. As you read this you are advancing through the emotional context of a relationship. It takes a lot of work to establish this sense of momentum without sacrificing form.
It's amazing to see how much work some of these lines do. L1 with it's use of "wins" sets up L2 (the conflict between the couple) and makes L3 (the second refrain work).
The one partner dazzles
The narrator has an honest flesh
Then later the one who dazzles is now a harp unstrung playing off the earlier set up in S2.
S6 also ties back to S1 L2 in a way with scraps your mouth has flung (teeth, tongue).
Not much critique in this critique mostly just appreciation.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson