Hi Billy,
I'm away for a few days and come back to a Sonnet.
Here are some comments for your consideration:
Please look at where you are placing your question marks. The one at the end of L1 should be at the end of L2. Placing it where it is hurts the enjambment. The end of L5 should have a question mark instead of a period I think also.
L1 Not strictly iambic but it still has a nice rhythm to it and the first two lines are a good opening.
L3-4: This feels a bit off to me Billy. Not a meter thing more that the line is being padded to accomodate the meter if that makes sense. It feels a bit awkward here. I think it's the "and can of fosters (should fosters be capitalized)" part. For whatever reason it feels more like filler than necessary. I do love the flesh / arrest internal rhyme. It could just be that the break on can doesn't enhance the line. The lead up would need to be stronger with can being an important payoff for it to work (imo). I'm probably rambling and not making sense--I'll move on.
L5: Not sure who Peter Pest is I kept wanting to read it as Peter Pan
L6-8: Really great lines.
I think the poem took off in the second section. The only thing I would ask you to consider is replacing open book (I do like the near rhyme fuck/book, but it's still a bit cliched and you can do much better).
So, really good work here. I enjoyed it. I hope these comments are helpful and mostly coherent.
Best,
Todd
I'm away for a few days and come back to a Sonnet.
Here are some comments for your consideration:Please look at where you are placing your question marks. The one at the end of L1 should be at the end of L2. Placing it where it is hurts the enjambment. The end of L5 should have a question mark instead of a period I think also.
L1 Not strictly iambic but it still has a nice rhythm to it and the first two lines are a good opening.
L3-4: This feels a bit off to me Billy. Not a meter thing more that the line is being padded to accomodate the meter if that makes sense. It feels a bit awkward here. I think it's the "and can of fosters (should fosters be capitalized)" part. For whatever reason it feels more like filler than necessary. I do love the flesh / arrest internal rhyme. It could just be that the break on can doesn't enhance the line. The lead up would need to be stronger with can being an important payoff for it to work (imo). I'm probably rambling and not making sense--I'll move on.
L5: Not sure who Peter Pest is I kept wanting to read it as Peter Pan
L6-8: Really great lines.
I think the poem took off in the second section. The only thing I would ask you to consider is replacing open book (I do like the near rhyme fuck/book, but it's still a bit cliched and you can do much better).
So, really good work here. I enjoyed it. I hope these comments are helpful and mostly coherent.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson