(07-07-2011, 06:43 PM)Cthonian Wrote: [I wrote this as an experiment using an obtuse meter. I usually never write with boundaries, preferring free verse, but I wanted to see if I could use strict, rigid rhyme and rules and still get a message through. Thanks.]first off, very well done on the syl count, just one that was off.
using the 1st verse as a baseline
I climb up the stairs. 5 up is redundant
Stairs that I've climbed a hundred thousand times before, 12
and I know what lies beyond that grey, dark, ill-fitting door. 14
She is slumped, melted almost, 7
bloated and wet with hot tears. 7
I enter the room.
I see her perched at the end of a broken bed,
tissues and snot and her ugly hands on her evil head.
She looks up, lows like cattle,
Locked forever in this tomb. this for me is the best verse.
I walk straight to her. straight feels forced
She sharply turns, shunning me now and wheezing hard, now is redundant
displaying to me her shoulders, pale, cold, dirty and scarred. to me is a given
Sobbing loud - all this for me?
Inside of me nothing stirs.
I exhale and sigh.
Glaring at me with hate, she asks me of this girl,
the girl with whom I knowingly broke this crying girl's world. feels a little too convoluted
I say she's prettier than her, 8
even though that is a lie.
I start to explain,
with no remorse or regret, as she scrams her face. remorse/regret, one is redundant
And I let her continue as I look around this place is and needed
where I've smoked, drank, fucked and sucked.
Soon to be free of this pain.
I stare at her eyes.
She calms herself, and asks me to climb into bed;
the same bed I've known and hated. Overcome with dread,
I climb in, still fully clothed.
She puts my hand on her thighs.
I lay hard and still.
She slithers close, affection never shown before.
Breathing on my neck, giving to me her lips cracked and sore, comma after lips
Her sadness turned arousal,
and her coldness turns to chills. feels a little odd as chills are a by-product of cold
I clutch the cover,
that she tears away, pulling at my belt, obsessed.
Tugging my cock, tossing it hard, something she once possessed,
which is now hot, wet and stiff,
like before; we were lovers.
I grind all my teeth. as opposed to just one? all is redundant
She swallows me whole, gulping, choking, still crying,
fast and ugly, humanity leaves, this feels like dying.
Levels of love apparent,
and I quickly slide beneath.
I become aware
of my waning morality, and as she sucks
my now-soaked prick, I tear off her shirt, and from it I pluck
a large, fat, cold, freckled tit.
Pure ecstasy and despair.
I emit a grunt,
while she slobbers long on my throbbing erection,
and I stare at her head, her tits, her aching complexion.
Now I lose myself once more,
when I see her stroke her cunt.
I seize my dulled brain,
and before I shoot sticky sinew in her throat,
I remove myself fluidly, like some suspended note
in some dark ancient music,
never to be played again.
I loved her never, yoda speak
and would not let my hot heart be turned to debris.
I take back what's mine and push her decaying face from me.
And with that I left the room
thus ending it forever.
the metrics though feels a little ragged, it doesn't seem to flow well from iamb to troche etc.
for me because you tried to stick within the meter the poem became a bit stale after a short while. there was also a fair amount of cliché;
throbbing knob
sobbing loud
soon to be free of pain
hot wet and stiff
i lose myself once more
for me it needs one solid image in each verse.
the content is common and as such doesn't work well when told without fresh images.
it's extremely hard to do a poem with both meter, and good imagery. often it becomes a poem of tell with lots of little filler words. for a first attempt i think it good, better than average. and better than i would have done.
if i had a suggestion it would be this while trying meter for the 1st time;
try and keep to around three or four stanza, try and have a uniform meter within each stanza, IE, 87876 or 88887 and leave obtuse meter till later. jmo
thanks for the read.