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Hi, Addy! Thank you so much for taking time with this! Do you have a suggestion for an image in S2? I do agree with you in regards to the 'my demon lover line'. It kind of saddens me, really. In full disclosure I wrote this piece 8 years ago, and it's wonderful to resurrect it and polish it up a bit. I don't have the heart to change that line, though.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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The demon lover line has been kind of ruined by pop culture... but you subvert it, I think, and all pop culture deserves subversion 
Totally agree with addy in S2 and I'll put my little brain to thinking of something for you as well. This is a poem whose resurrection is well worth the effort.
It could be worse
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Instead of "as a soul"... what about "as my skin"?
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(07-04-2011, 03:10 PM)Aish Wrote: I have learned to hear farther Would "beyond" work better than "farther" (naturally removing "than" from the next line as well)? I don't quite know why as your line makes grammatical sense but the final word tripped me up here. Maybe it was the elongated first syllable.
than abrasive tongues
and vulgarity,
from out deep, agonized mumbles. The syntax here is strangely disjointed. How about "emerging from agonised mumbles" instead?
As a soul readjusts, "As a" makes this stanza seem like a conjunction in a longer sentence and thus trips me up. How about "The soul readjusts" instead?
pushes boundaries,
becomes calm.
Sometimes the sun,
reckless,
chews before digestion. Love this stanza. A beautifully simple yet complex metaphor, like something from an Emily Dickinson poem.
Fallen
hands never idle,
overworked and asunder: "Asunder"? That word doesn't fit this context; or else you've forgotten to put "torn" before it?
My demon lover,
torn apart
and reassembled.
Satin stitches
adorn a growling brow. Perfect final stanza. Crisp and crunchy, concise, sinister.
Thanks for the read Aish
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Thank you very much, Jack. I'm on it!
S4 is now dangling. Jack, I had tried to avoid the cliche 'torn asunder'. It has already been whittled from the original 'asunder made'. I don't want to erase the stanza, but I also do not know what to do with it. I shall return...
(07-04-2011, 06:33 PM)Leanne Wrote: Instead of "as a soul"... what about "as my skin"?
Leeanne, I am afraid if I use your suggestion it will read as if I am intentionally growing fat? I don't want the impression to be one of feederism.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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(07-04-2011, 04:39 PM)Aish Wrote: Hi, Addy! Thank you so much for taking time with this! Do you have a suggestion for an image in S2? I do agree with you in regards to the 'my demon lover line'. It kind of saddens me, really. In full disclosure I wrote this piece 8 years ago, and it's wonderful to resurrect it and polish it up a bit. I don't have the heart to change that line, though.
You don't really need to change much in S2... I really like the "soul readjusts" line and to me is pretty orginal, but "pushes boundaries" then sounds almost generic in comparison (just imo of course). To give a (rather bad LOL) example, rephrasing it to something like "...soul readjusts... and stretches... to a clove" already makes it show more than tell. Of course this is 100% your poem and what you say goes! Heck, I do understand your attachment to the "demon lover" line and have no particular qualms about it, but thought I'd point it out . You have free reign on all edits, my dear
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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(07-05-2011, 06:34 AM)Aish Wrote: Thank you very much, Jack. I'm on it!
S4 is now dangling. Jack, I had tried to avoid the cliche 'torn asunder'. It has already been whittled from the original 'asunder made'. I don't want to erase the stanza, but I also do not know what to do with it. I shall return...
(07-04-2011, 06:33 PM)Leanne Wrote: Instead of "as a soul"... what about "as my skin"?
Leeanne, I am afraid if I use your suggestion it will read as if I am intentionally growing fat? I don't want the impression to be one of feederism.
 I dare you to write THAT poem now!
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I made one final? revision.
Leanne, Leanne, Leanne... guard your buffets!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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"gnawed asunder" plays into the chewed, building up an excellent secondary metaphor... oh, I like!
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it works for me too, and it gets rid of 'made"
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07-07-2011, 03:14 PM
HURRAY!!!!! :metal:
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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