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Icarus
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05-24-2011, 08:36 PM
I think it's a good edit. The only tweaks you may want to consider would be removing the pronouns L10 (me) and L12 (us). Anything else I can think of would just be a style choice. It's like Billy said, if you are happy with it and it reflects what you want it to do then it's solid. As a reader nothing detracted me and I thought it conveyed well.
Best, Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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| Messages In This Thread |
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Icarus - by mroning tide - 05-24-2011, 12:36 AM
RE: Icarus - by billy - 05-24-2011, 06:07 AM
RE: Icarus - by Todd - 05-24-2011, 07:15 AM
RE: Icarus - by mroning tide - 05-24-2011, 08:55 AM
RE: Icarus - by billy - 05-24-2011, 09:28 AM
RE: Icarus - by heslopian - 05-24-2011, 10:33 AM
RE: Icarus - by mroning tide - 05-24-2011, 05:12 PM
RE: Icarus - by jadielue - 05-24-2011, 05:17 PM
RE: Icarus - by mroning tide - 05-24-2011, 06:08 PM
RE: Icarus - by Todd - 05-24-2011, 08:36 PM
RE: Icarus - by jadielue - 05-25-2011, 10:56 AM
RE: Icarus - by billy - 05-26-2011, 09:23 AM
RE: Icarus - by mroning tide - 05-26-2011, 09:14 PM
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