05-24-2011, 10:33 AM
(05-24-2011, 12:36 AM)mroning tide Wrote: I fell from a great heightGood poem my friend. Thanks for the read
from air into water
plummeting
losing my breath in the rushing air
smashed into a neglectful cradling slow fall Too many adjectives here. How about just "cradling fall" after "smashed into a"?
horror is not sudden
it happens slowly Great insight.
how many fathoms will I have to wait I'm not sure this line makes sense. You can't wait fathoms. How about replacing "wait" with "sink"?
until the water will hold my body?
horror happens slowly
the hope-lung gasps in reflex "Hope-lung"? How about "hopeful lungs gasp in reflex"?
for a while
you fell first
and I followed
horror happens slowly
a blossoming bruise
budding under skin Excellent closing verse. "Budding" is exactly the right word. That "horror happens slowly" refrain is also great in its unique insight and simple beauty.
You have an interesting and personal take on the myth.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe