03-07-2011, 04:08 PM
Great meditation on gluttony, with some wonderful stand-out images. Just very, very minor nits: since in the second line you contrast ripeness with dead refuse, I didn't think you need to qualify petrified dung as "fresh" in the third line (unless the disjoint is intentional). Also, for me the last sentence of the couplet fell flat because it can only draw strength from the final line which it is structurally disconnected from... it's not enough of a separate thought and not interesting on its own. But as I said, apart from those very minor concerns I thoroughly enjoyed this.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?