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of course I want you
I want the cliché
the postcards you mocked near the beaches that time
gaping with scorn at the frozen couples
in long dresses and corduroy suits
but I shan't pretend
that if only you were less honest
less wry and pretentious than me
we might walk the promenade
until our feet ache with the strain of life's end
and we collapse on a bench
perfect
perfect
lust has never permitted such scenes
given the chance I'd force my tongue up your asshole
my hands clamped like vices
round the snakes of your hips
lick bone dry each sodden bowel
a housewife soaking her furniture in bleach
pleasure myself to your terrified squeals
I'd tie you down like a whore on train tracks
ride you to a chorus of spastic grunting
release on your face
screaming
weeping
begging for forgiveness as I take you again
when through my seed your look nourishes
the psychotic desire
how I yearn for you
how I yearn to invade you
wreak havoc in you
open you up
and lick your ribs clean
of course I want you
and we want you.....to put a content warning on it  /admin
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(03-04-2011, 09:06 AM)Heslopian Wrote: of course I want you
I want the cliché
the postcards you mocked near the beaches that time
gaping with scorn at the frozen couples
in long dresses and corduroy suits nice image with the post cards.
but I shan't pretend this want can be achieved would 'but i shan't pretend' suffice, the rest feels redundant for me
if only you were less honest
less wry and truthful and pretentious than me truthful feels redundant as you've already used honest
that we might walk the promenade nice image of old age in these 5 lines
until our feet ache with the strain of life's end
and we collapse on a bench
perfect
perfect
lust has never permitted such scenes
from here on to the end the the whole poem changes. and while it's graphical nature is extremely strong/powerful. it feels like two completely different poems.
while for me both parts are really good the discord feel to much that the juxtaposition between love and lust is too great.
given the chance I'd force my tongue up your asshole for some reason asshole makes me laugh, it feels out of time
my hands clamped like vices
round the snakes of your hips
lick bone dry each sodden bowelthis also made me laugh a little
a housewife soaking her furniture in bleach
pleasure myself to your terrified squeals these two lines are spot on.
I'd tie you down like a whore on train tracks this feels cliché, whether it is or not i'm not sure but it feels that way
ride you to a chorus of spastic grunting good strong line.
release on your face
screaming
weeping
begging for forgiveness as I take you again
when through my seed your look nourishes
the psychotic desire for me this verse works if ended after 'forgiveness'
how I yearn for you feels cliché
how I yearn to invade you it works here
wreak havoc in you
open you up
and lick your ribs clean i really like this verse, it has power
of course I want you
and we want you.....to put a content warning on it /admin the poem starts off with what feels like a testament to love, the passion is there
couched in memories. the next verse continues the theme but this time with reservations.
then pow!, what we (I) felt was love that was wanted, turns into some kind of habitual lust hehe. with ripped rings and licked ribs and sodden bowels. no body part is wasted.
while powerful from the 3rd verse onward, it feels surreal compared to the 1st two verse. the poem shows for me, two kinds of want and i'm not sure it works.
i think you have two really good poems here jack. (jmo)
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Shit sorry I forgot the content warning Billy! I could have sworn I put one on.
Surely if I removed the rest of the line after "pretend" the rest of the verse wouldn't make sense? I mean what would the narrator be pretending?
I agree with you about the use of "truthful" (I'll remove it once I've finished this) and the dischord between the poem's two halves; regarding the latter, I wrote the "asshole" verse first and then wrote a few lines to introduce it, but then decided to expand on those lines. I might actually divide this and make two poems out of it.
What do you mean by "out of time"?
Thanks for your feedback Billy.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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the 1st first sets up that you want
so in less poetic terms it reads as;
i want you
but i shan't pretend
if only you were less of a twat
it might have worked
and been perfect.
out of time;
first off, think of a metronome
the 1st 2 vesre had a soft beat/rhythm/flow/softness
the rest were harsh/fast/a different tempo content wise. one was ice cream and post cards, the other was rimming assholes and licking bowels.
the 2nd way i meant it was;
at first we (I) get a feeling of a period piece, the cards, the beach, the promenade, the old age.
then it moves to the ultra modern ass rimming. not sure if that makes sense. (imagine granny at a rave or a sex swapping party in black leather with a carrot up her ass, that would be out of time, not in step with what we thought)
i think two poems would be a great idea jack.
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"...one was ice cream and post cards, the other was rimming assholes and licking bowels." When I read that sentence I burst out laughing, then immediately saw what you meant.
I think I understand your point about the second verse and have an edit in my that could possibly work while keeping most of what I wrote:
"but I shan't pretend
that if only you were less honest
less wry and pretentious than me
we might walk the promenade
until our feet ache with the strain of life's end
and we collapse on a bench
perfect
perfect"
And I really didn't want to imagine my grandmother doing that... I have a very visual imagination Billy, so yeah, cheers. (Though it did make me laugh before the horror ensued.)
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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it definitely works for me jack
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The image of my Nan with a carrot up her ass? Sicko...
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Thank you for the kind words and feedback Jenaka 
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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this was infact my favorite line.
"when through my seed your look nourishes
the psychotic desire"
2nd favorite > until our feet ache with the strain of life's end
My apologies for going off topic.
 tfu: Heslopian, you need to empty your inbox ... I couldn't send my reply.
Let me know when you've done so
You give to the world when you're giving your best to somebody else.
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Just sent you a message Kath. Did you receive it?
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(03-09-2011, 05:15 AM)Heslopian Wrote: Just sent you a message Kath. Did you receive it?
Yes I did, and I'm still trying to re-send my yesterday's reply, but still receiving a message that your inbox is full. I've pm-ed billy so hopefully it gets sorted out.
You give to the world when you're giving your best to somebody else.
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will have a look when i get back, it does seem weird 
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(03-09-2011, 05:55 AM)kath3 Wrote: (03-09-2011, 05:15 AM)Heslopian Wrote: Just sent you a message Kath. Did you receive it?
Yes I did, and I'm still trying to re-send my yesterday's reply, but still receiving a message that your inbox is full. I've pm-ed billy so hopefully it gets sorted out.
Ah well, I'm sure it's a simple enough problem that will be corrected soon enough. Look forward to finally receiving your message Kath
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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