02-23-2011, 08:22 AM
I agree with Billy, no real negatives here, just a very potent and nicely stylised piece of verse, dense and mysterious like a lot of your work, but with a tad more control (the lines aren't as long) this time around, which shows you're trying to improve as a writer, and succeeding marvellously.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe