02-10-2011, 04:25 AM
"With children of the damned eyes"
Haha, loved that! Shocking and unique.
"I am stalked from the walls;"
Rather plain. Do you think you could spice this up a bit?
"From toughened glass shelves"
"toughened" doesn't do it for me. It's an "okay" adjective, but it's my firm belief that only stellar adjectives thrive in poetry.
"protecting their corner."
This is fine.
"Leering jackanapes."
"I caught them all"
"Leur petite décès caught"
The reiteration of "caught" doesn't work for me.
before they became nice,
"then mounted them in silver frames. "
I love this. "Nice" is the only thing that makes
Me stumble. Mix-up. Last line is mixed up.
I enjoyed it! Very good, and a re-working would do it well. I'm guessing this relates to pictures or portraits. Not too much to say, as it's a short, pleasant, piece.
Haha, loved that! Shocking and unique.
"I am stalked from the walls;"
Rather plain. Do you think you could spice this up a bit?
"From toughened glass shelves"
"toughened" doesn't do it for me. It's an "okay" adjective, but it's my firm belief that only stellar adjectives thrive in poetry.
"protecting their corner."
This is fine.
"Leering jackanapes."
"I caught them all"
"Leur petite décès caught"
The reiteration of "caught" doesn't work for me.
before they became nice,
"then mounted them in silver frames. "
I love this. "Nice" is the only thing that makes
Me stumble. Mix-up. Last line is mixed up.
I enjoyed it! Very good, and a re-working would do it well. I'm guessing this relates to pictures or portraits. Not too much to say, as it's a short, pleasant, piece.