Hi Jack,
I've been away for a bit (short story contest and a cold) but I working my way up through the poems I'd missed. It's hard to put my finger on what is missing here for me, but I'll try to do that.
I found S1 and S2 to be fantastic. I loved the first line, the image of Jesus you present, and the contrast between those in the church and those on the street.
I also liked your first two lines of S3. We shifted from the table to the cross (and while that isn't a problem maybe there's something there that you can work with). I absolutely love the part about being bereft of grand imagery,
If I were to look at any part of this poem to strengthen it would be the final two lines. They just don't seem to hit as strongly.
Sorry I don't have any more.
It is a really good poem.
Best,
Todd
I've been away for a bit (short story contest and a cold) but I working my way up through the poems I'd missed. It's hard to put my finger on what is missing here for me, but I'll try to do that.
I found S1 and S2 to be fantastic. I loved the first line, the image of Jesus you present, and the contrast between those in the church and those on the street.
I also liked your first two lines of S3. We shifted from the table to the cross (and while that isn't a problem maybe there's something there that you can work with). I absolutely love the part about being bereft of grand imagery,
If I were to look at any part of this poem to strengthen it would be the final two lines. They just don't seem to hit as strongly.
Sorry I don't have any more.
It is a really good poem.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson