The Art of Abandonment (vill)

[Lawrence]

Everyone abandons something. Sometimes
The page’s corner will stay turned;
Thoughts drift elsewhere, no ending is defined.

We do so to people. Entire lives
I have brushed away, unconcerned.
Everyone abandons someone, sometimes

Mostly it isn’t on purpose, I find.
Work to which we vow to return
But don’t, and why we don’t, who can define?

Even God has abandoned us, that swine.
Our sorrows go unseen, unheard.
But we’ll do so to him; Someday, sometime.

This is the fate of all things. Down the line
Even a universe will burn.
Everything faces it, someday, sometime-
Life leaves itself, with no meaning defined

[billy]

Everyone abandons something. Sometimes
The page’s corner will stay turned;
Thoughts drift elsewhere, no ending is defined.

We do so to people. Entire lives
I have brushed away, unconcerned.
Everyone abandons someone, sometimes

Mostly it isn’t on purpose, I find.
Work to which we vow to return
But don’t, and why we don’t, who can define?

Even God has abandoned us, that swine.
Our sorrows go unseen, unheard.
But we’ll do so to him; Someday, sometime. would 'unto' work better than "so to' ?

This is the fate of all things. Down the line
Even a universe will burn.
Everything faces it, someday, sometime-
Life leaves itself, with no meaning defined

other than the nit, above i think you did a good job lawrence, the villi is the form i least like to use because i find it hard to do so.
i do like the use of god which shows that nothing and no one are safe from the act.thanks
for the read.

[Lawrence]

I'm aware I'm missing a stanza, I just want to see how it is so far.

[billy]

i just did a reply and deleted it

strictly speaking a vill has 5 tercets and a quatrain.
the last two lines of the quatrain use the the first and last lines of the 1st tercet in toto.

tercet #2,3,4 and 5 must use the the 1st or 2nd lines of the 1st tercet as it's last line in a repeating order, in toto (is that the right phrase)

a modern vill bastardises the form by allowing an almost phrase/half phrase. instead of the full repetition. and as such seldom resemle a vill

Dylan Thomas' "Do not Go Gentle into that Good Night." is an almost perfect example of the traditional form. if you go the modern vill route it's often onlt possible to comment on the content.

sometimes i feel the modernists forms were created because the originals were too hard for some poets to do well and as such made an often good poet look like shit.

so how do you want your vill critiqued; as a fixed form vill or as a mod vill. if the first, then it need to be structured properly with full line repeats. if mod then it fits the criteria apart from the missing verse.
for me it, a vill needs to have an extremely good image or a deep bite in order for it not to look too weak near the middle and end.

asking me how it is so far, for me any poem so far is a good poem that should be worked on to make it better

i think the gist of yours works well. i honestly think it can be really good but i also believe you need to make that first tercet rock like an earthquake. jmo. (don't abandon it )

[Lawrence]

EDIT

Everyone abandons something. Sometimes
The page’s corner will stay turned;
Ships drift elsewhere. No ending is defined.

We do so to people. Entire lives
I have brushed away, unconcerned.
Everyone does it to someone, sometimes.

I’ve written whole books, and on their last lines
Locked them away, not to return.
Unbothered that for them, no ending was defined.

Though it isn’t a pious paradigm
If there’s one lesson I have learned
All give, and all are given up, sometimes

Even God himself, all-knowing, divine
Retracts his prying gaze and turns
From us. There’s nothing more he will define.

And this poem, I’ll likely not revise-
I don’t commit to written word.
Abandonment’s not my job to define.
Maybe another will, someday, sometime

[billy]

as a modern vill it works.
for me the quatrain diminishes the rest of the piece
which i found to be okay.

jmo