01-11-2011, 11:03 PM
A deeply classical poem, rich with lyrical language. Sometimes this style doesn't work for you - the individual lines are good, but they don't always form a convincing whole - but here I think you pull it off.
(01-11-2011, 05:10 PM)billy Wrote: The light in me cannot be seen through yarn-worked lace. Would "latticework" work better here? "Yarn-worked lace" sounds a tad too fussy.With a spot of editing, this poem could be almost perfect. The verses have integrity, even beauty now and then, with a strong central theme and some sharp expression. I'd just a recommend a bit of trimming, cutting out the excess fat.
It has no frills, it never flickers, it creates no shadow boxers I would have deleted the third "it," and replaced "shadow boxers" with simply "shadows," but that may just be a personal thing.
on white stucco walls. No mesmeric dancers shimmer Would "No silhouettes glisten" work better? Again it seems a tad fussy. Plus the juxtaposition of "shimmer" and "shimmy" in the next line doesn't gel for me.
with that dark sultry hip shaking shimmy. Could this also work without so many words, instead simply saying "with that sultry shimmy"?
My light is borne of black tallow from dead dreams
and a wick of willow bark, it burns green and dark. Would the first part of this line also work if it was shortened to "and some willow bark"? Furthermore, there should really be a semi-colon, not a comma, before the second half.
It depresses the candour of daylight Does "candour" have a "u"? I might be thinking of the American spelling.
decries the sound of angel song from ebullient choristers
and defeats all vestige of that trifle called life
The light in me cannot be shared or given like a gift Full stop needed here.
It has a gravity that pulls in prey. Its incandescence
heated with each new days conquest of the failed. "Days" should have an apostrophe.
It feeds at the trough of one’s despair.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe

