01-06-2011, 07:33 AM
Thank you very much for all of your feedback! Just a few things I'd like to clarify here:
First of all, 'Hel' is not a typo; I'm referring to the Norse Goddess who was banished to the Underworld for being half dead (literally; she's depicted as one half of her being dead). This leads to the 'half-dead romance'.
Secondly, I wasn't aware that it was unclear who says these things 'too many times'; I've noticed that in a lot of relationships when one is absent the other will mention how strange it feels to be without them. So yes Addy, the 'general public' does say these things, but not in everyday conversation. Far is also included because 'It's been said too much' doesn't feel as strong.
Finally, I haven't been conservative with my words this time because this is an emotional piece; when you are in the grips of emotion, you don't cut down on what you're saying, you say things as you're thinking them, sometimes in one great rush that doesn't always make sense. That's what I'm trying to convey here; sorry if it wasn't clear.
To Heslopian: It isn't just girls that own Teddies/soft toys. The second stanza is almost a sentence on it's own, broken up for emphasis. It'd probably be easier to understand if you read it thus: 'I say everything too much because I'm afraid you'll forget them if I pause long enough to breathe.' Perhaps 'it' would be a better replacement of 'them' in this instance. Similar rules with the fourth and sixth stanza; 'just right' wouldn't fit because I'm talking about a numeric value, hence 'just enough'. My apologies for the last line of the fifth stanza making no sense; like most of the poem, it leads on from the previous line, so 'The time endless (if only we could stop it when we needed to... all the time)' playing on a much over-used cliche of wanting to stop time to be able to spend more time with a loved one.
Thank you Todd, Billy, Addy and Heslopian for your feedback; I hope my comments make this poem clearer for you
First of all, 'Hel' is not a typo; I'm referring to the Norse Goddess who was banished to the Underworld for being half dead (literally; she's depicted as one half of her being dead). This leads to the 'half-dead romance'.
Secondly, I wasn't aware that it was unclear who says these things 'too many times'; I've noticed that in a lot of relationships when one is absent the other will mention how strange it feels to be without them. So yes Addy, the 'general public' does say these things, but not in everyday conversation. Far is also included because 'It's been said too much' doesn't feel as strong.
Finally, I haven't been conservative with my words this time because this is an emotional piece; when you are in the grips of emotion, you don't cut down on what you're saying, you say things as you're thinking them, sometimes in one great rush that doesn't always make sense. That's what I'm trying to convey here; sorry if it wasn't clear.
To Heslopian: It isn't just girls that own Teddies/soft toys. The second stanza is almost a sentence on it's own, broken up for emphasis. It'd probably be easier to understand if you read it thus: 'I say everything too much because I'm afraid you'll forget them if I pause long enough to breathe.' Perhaps 'it' would be a better replacement of 'them' in this instance. Similar rules with the fourth and sixth stanza; 'just right' wouldn't fit because I'm talking about a numeric value, hence 'just enough'. My apologies for the last line of the fifth stanza making no sense; like most of the poem, it leads on from the previous line, so 'The time endless (if only we could stop it when we needed to... all the time)' playing on a much over-used cliche of wanting to stop time to be able to spend more time with a loved one.
Thank you Todd, Billy, Addy and Heslopian for your feedback; I hope my comments make this poem clearer for you
DEATH FROM ABOVE!
"If you can't hide a razor in it, it's not FUN." - Foamy
"If you can't hide a razor in it, it's not FUN." - Foamy