12-28-2010, 12:40 PM
(12-27-2010, 11:32 AM)Lawrence Wrote: Every day, we’re all what we want to be,not sure if the opening bylines work for me. other than that i really enjoyed the read. lots of good lines, lots of imagery. and it works. the title doesn't feel great but it does work. i have read it a few times. and will read it again later to see if i can give a more constructive feedback.
In every circumstance
-Except one.
Just last week, as I faced the mirror
Struggling with vampire’s teeth
My grandmother caught her cape
In a closing door, and rolled down
The kitchen stairs like a bowling ball,
Breaking every bone and body part
That still worked in her.
After a brief burial, I gazed
At the superhero outfit she perished in
As mother wept behind her Scream mask
And father stood silently, stroking
His Hagrid’s hair and dirty beard.
“It’s a shame she just missed
Her favorite holiday” Father says.
The one where, the night before
Candy stores turn into ant colonies
And pumpkins are hallowed out; carved
Twisted faces like tortured souls are making in hell. feels awkward to me
The one where I wake up
Wearing khaki pants and a T-shirt
To father sipping coffee in a suit and tie
And mother in sweatpants, cleaning the dishes
Massaging her naked hands.
"What a strange holiday" these two lines feel forced
I think
thanks for posting the poem lawrence.
