You Have Been judged.

[billy]

.

The door stands guard, keeps it out
I mean the world when I say out but you knew that
“Cybil you twat, I said you knew that”
The cat licks a paw nonchalantly and fucks the remark
to some dark recess in the kitty litter of his mind.

The walls hide nothing; their transparent eyes belong to me
I do so get scared with what they see. Teenage demons
dallying, looking to take, take, take; all bastards,
begot from bastard whores on welfare.

The priest is no better, why on earth would I wish to mingle;
A hedonist who loves the sport of washing dirty sins from little boys.
Everyone know that under his starched halo and terylene suit
he’s Asmodeus praying with dirty little fornicating fuckers—
feeding off God’s body like carrion

I got mail today, opened already, the postman’s a spy
or a pervert. James bonding my privates
like some, some, James bond slut-puppet. Fingering my envelope
licking his lips as it parts. He reminds me of my late husband;
he has that same corpsy look Harold had after his magnanimous heart attack.

[Todd]

Damn, I'll have to go over this one tomorrow when I've had some sleep. Some cool lines. It reads with power, but there's too much here for a drive-by. I'll be back to give more detail.

[billy]

no prob enjoy your sleep

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

This would be a really good spoken piece. I feel like I'm dealing with a paranoid schitzophenic. Comments below:

.

The door stands guard, keeps it out
I mean the world when I say out but you knew that--do you mean to have "it" where you have "out"
“Cybil you twat, I said you knew that”
The cat licks a paw nonchalantly and fucks the remark
to some dark recess in the kitty litter of his mind.--love those two lines

The walls hide nothing; their transparent eyes belong to me
I do so get scared with what they see. Teenage demons
dallying, looking to take, take, take; all bastards,
begot from bastard whores on welfare.--it's hard to critique this nothing seems out of place. There is some repetition throughout but I don't wnat to eliminate it because it adds to the frentic tone. I like the first line here quite a bit. The idea of the walls seeing. The idea of always being observed and the pressure it brings

The priest is no better, why on earth would I wish to mingle;--I almost would like you to cut the second phrase and after better pull up a hediodist who loves the sport
A hedonist who loves the sport of washing dirty sins from little boys.
Everyone know that under his starched halo and terylene suit
he’s Asmodeus praying with dirty little fornicating fuckers—
feeding off God’s body like carrion--these lines are solid

I got mail today, opened already, the postman’s a spy--for some reason this lead in and the next lien are my favorites. It just seems to sum up the person.
or a pervert. James bonding my privates
like some, some, James bond slut-puppet. Fingering my envelope--again very cool with the fingering and the slut-puppet
licking his lips as it parts. He reminds me of my late husband;
he has that same corpsy look Harold had after his magnanimous heart attack.--it might read better cutting magnanimous

It's a different sort of read Billy, it's not economic or sparse in any way but it doesn't feel over-wroght or bloated either. It has punch to it. I don't have a lot of suggestions. I just like the voice here.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

hi Todd

should have been 'it'
i think pulling the 2nd phrase could work, i'll think about it.
thanks for the feedback and the kind words.