12-12-2010, 09:47 AM
three points for me
1st point; the last couplet spoils it, takes the poem in its big fat hairy arms and crushes every bone in it.
2nd point; would 'And wielding celestial weaponry , I’m sure shooing away demons
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker, for you.'
better written as;
And wielding celestial weaponry,
I’m sure shooing away demons for you,
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker,
3rd point; i really enjoyed the read, some good lines; the first triolet was great as was the open couplet which sets up the questioning to come. not sure question marks are needed for rhetorical questions which is how i take these to be.
the rest of the poem leads me up to that last two lines and i feel cheated. i want to be left hanging with this one.
i want it to be meta physical and that last line makes it corporeal.
none the less. a really good write
thanks for the read. lawrence
1st point; the last couplet spoils it, takes the poem in its big fat hairy arms and crushes every bone in it.
2nd point; would 'And wielding celestial weaponry , I’m sure shooing away demons
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker, for you.'
better written as;
And wielding celestial weaponry,
I’m sure shooing away demons for you,
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker,
3rd point; i really enjoyed the read, some good lines; the first triolet was great as was the open couplet which sets up the questioning to come. not sure question marks are needed for rhetorical questions which is how i take these to be.
the rest of the poem leads me up to that last two lines and i feel cheated. i want to be left hanging with this one.
i want it to be meta physical and that last line makes it corporeal.
none the less. a really good write
thanks for the read. lawrence