11-20-2010, 10:58 AM
"My mind is a Mexican village. Rain pours on it ceaselessly. The houses weren't built to take such punishment."
Does that qualify as a mixed metaphor? I'm not sure of the terminology but although I like the sound of those lines I don't think they make any sense. Rain doesn't pour ceaselessly on Mexican villages. And, in places where rain does pour ceaselessly, the houses are built to take it.
..."retains an English decadence"
Again, I like the sound, but the sense is missing. I don't think there is any significant English decadence in Mexico. Spanish decadence perhaps?
"framed in cheap brown imitation leather"
It's a small point, but then this is Serious Critique. A "cheap brown imitation leather" frame is incongruous with decadence and full deer-hide armchairs. Although I'll grant that the grandmother may have been poor while the mother was not, it still seems an unnecessary disparity to introduce. But I do like the stanza (or whatever the term is).
"The woman whose house it belongs to isn't allowed in."
Strikes me as being too real. I thought we were talking about the mind of a gay man (being like a Mexican village). Now you're talking as if there is a real Mexican woman who owns a real house in Mexico. Maybe you're being poetical and I'm just not poetical enough to "get it". But...I don't get it.
I like the idea of the work, and all of the phrases in it (as individual phrases). I just don't think they all fit together coherently.
Does that qualify as a mixed metaphor? I'm not sure of the terminology but although I like the sound of those lines I don't think they make any sense. Rain doesn't pour ceaselessly on Mexican villages. And, in places where rain does pour ceaselessly, the houses are built to take it.
..."retains an English decadence"
Again, I like the sound, but the sense is missing. I don't think there is any significant English decadence in Mexico. Spanish decadence perhaps?
"framed in cheap brown imitation leather"
It's a small point, but then this is Serious Critique. A "cheap brown imitation leather" frame is incongruous with decadence and full deer-hide armchairs. Although I'll grant that the grandmother may have been poor while the mother was not, it still seems an unnecessary disparity to introduce. But I do like the stanza (or whatever the term is).
"The woman whose house it belongs to isn't allowed in."
Strikes me as being too real. I thought we were talking about the mind of a gay man (being like a Mexican village). Now you're talking as if there is a real Mexican woman who owns a real house in Mexico. Maybe you're being poetical and I'm just not poetical enough to "get it". But...I don't get it.
I like the idea of the work, and all of the phrases in it (as individual phrases). I just don't think they all fit together coherently.
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."