Jekyll and Hyde (content warning)

[tidalnymph]

A fine morning...
Saw my little brother playing,
joined him for a bit,
Then ate something quickly,
guzzle some coffee
After that, rush to my mama
to kiss her bye bye--

Then there's this moment of silence,
memory gaps and empty spaces...

Found myself
in the bed of somebody else--
Struggling, grinding and writhing
Him, savagely stroking and thrusting
My fingernails sinking
and scratching

Curses and profanities
spewing through each other's
gritted teeth
Bodies both buried deep
In between the dirty sheets

Screaming, moaning and groaning--
who's who are those from
unknown and uncared for
Then felt my head being thrashed
carelessly on that cold metal pole...

Again there's this same moment of silence,
memory gaps and blank spaces...

Walking back home
confused and bewildered
I closed my eyes
then pulled my hair hard
Trying to remember,
Thinking deep--

Not getting anything...

[billy]

A fine morning...
Saw my little brother playing,
joined him for a bit,
Then eat something quickly,
guzzle some coffee
After it, rush to my mama
to kiss her bye bye--

for me the 1st verse is mainly in the past tense if it is, would 'ate' be better suited than 'eat', would 'after that' work better than 'after it'

Then there's this moment of silence,
memory gaps and empty spaces...

Found myself
in the bed of somebody else's-- [else, not else's]
Struggling, grinding and writhing
Him, savagely stroking and thrusting
My fingernails sinking
and scratching

powerful verse. usually lots of gerunds together don't work but for me this lot do.

Curses and profanities
spewing out of each other's [spewing through, words aren't in teeth]
gritted teeth
Bodies both buried deep
In between the dirty sheets [is 'in needed?]

Screaming, moaning and groaning--
who's who are those from [would something else work better than the 2nd who?]
unknown and uncared for
Then felt my head being thrashed
carelessly on that cold metal pole...
[great ending to the above verse]

Again there's this same moment of silence,
memory gaps and blank spaces...

Walking back home
confuse and bewildered [confused]
I closed my eyes
then pulled my own hair hard [own is redundant]
Trying to remember,
Thinking deep--

Not getting anything...

for me this is an excellent piece of poetry. a few small nits but even then
it's still a forceful bit of writing. with a small edit, it would for me be well worth publishing. the juxtaposition of the calm 1st, 4th and 5th verse to the explosive 2nd and 3rd work well. at first i thought it was a rape taking place but reconsidered because of 'My fingernails sinking and scratching,' then i was left wondering after, 'Then felt my head being thrashed carelessly on that cold metal pole...' the title gives the info i need and lets me know the poem is about the duality of the person in it.

thanks for a really good read. (jmo)

[tidalnymph]

Thanks so much, this site is awesome! I've corrected some of it already and I really appreciate the compliment!!!