11-17-2010, 02:10 PM
Just one thing:
"Beanstalks" doesn't work for me. I hear it too often to describe things nowadays, so maybe it's a tad cliche?
"that classic pain which all depressives know." This doesn't seem to resonate with me either. I think everyone knows this uncomfortable feeling, and that this feeling is already implicitly understood as pain. All seems to fit without it (in my humble opinion).
Otherwise, I love it. Full of emotion, really.
I think the fact that you scribbled it on the back of a piece of paper means it was more or less an emotional process.
"Beanstalks" doesn't work for me. I hear it too often to describe things nowadays, so maybe it's a tad cliche?
"that classic pain which all depressives know." This doesn't seem to resonate with me either. I think everyone knows this uncomfortable feeling, and that this feeling is already implicitly understood as pain. All seems to fit without it (in my humble opinion).
Otherwise, I love it. Full of emotion, really.
I think the fact that you scribbled it on the back of a piece of paper means it was more or less an emotional process.