10-14-2010, 10:41 PM
This was wonderful. Like your previous thread - "A poem and a question" - stripped down to its bare elements, and told from the first person viewpoint. The syntax of the third line doesn't work for me; I'd have written it like this: "And over shoes that won't fit there should never be rage."
The line beginning "And though the spotlight" (Billy's already highlighted the typo, so I won't parrot him) is unbelievably good; perfect rhythm, subtle yet fierce.
The penultimate line was a wee bit slipshod; I think in establishing the final couplet, you sacrificed some cohesion. I would have written it like this: "And though to you my gifts may now never show." Or something like that. The final line is perfect; pregnant with a quiet hopefulness which really resonates.
Awesome work, lizzyrose!
The line beginning "And though the spotlight" (Billy's already highlighted the typo, so I won't parrot him) is unbelievably good; perfect rhythm, subtle yet fierce.
The penultimate line was a wee bit slipshod; I think in establishing the final couplet, you sacrificed some cohesion. I would have written it like this: "And though to you my gifts may now never show." Or something like that. The final line is perfect; pregnant with a quiet hopefulness which really resonates.
Awesome work, lizzyrose!