A poem and a question.

[lizzyrose12]

.............

[heslopian]

Ask as many as you wish, lizzy! That's why we're here on the poetry forum; to give each other critique and thus improve our work I'm gonna grab some shuteye now, but I will read your poem with the attention it deserves at some point tomorrow and offer my thoughts.

[billy]

In an abandon theatre, is the place
she has come to dance.
Alone in the night, the only light is of the moon,
Still(,) she has no where else to go,
no where else where she can be alone.
So in this dark theatre,
With the scent of decay.
She moves across the floor delicately,
making no sound.
Swaying with (the) nights music,
A ballet of the dark.

Here on this abandon stage,
she moves with feelings of hope and rage.
Dancing side by side with the demons of her mind,
Hand and hand with loneliness.
For it is her best friend.

And just as she is about to finish,
about to take her final bow, the lights go on above.
The theatre which was ripped and torn is now bright(; )and
beautiful as it once was.
And all the seats which once were empty
are now lined with velvet and filled with souls.
Dancing to the sudden symphony of a piano
playing in the corner of the room.
No more must she dance alone,
For this one night she leaves her fears behind,
And dances in the open as her spirit unwinds.

ask as many questions as you like and post as many poems as you like. if you just want to ask a question or two relating to poetry or writing in general, use the poetry forum help section.

now the poem;
for me you should remove anything in bold and add anything in (brackets)
i tried to show how enjambment works (it's your shout as to if it works or not? )
always try and give your poems a title. (they're worth it)
i think this is a delightful poem. moving from sad to happy,
dark to light. it's nostalgic yet ethereal, it's almost as though she needs the moon.
some of the lines are really good, (the underlined ones are my favourites.)
you use some good images lizzy.

try and get your head round the enjambment thing, end the line where a natural pause occurs, often a comma or period will denote the place.

thanks for the read. i enjoyed it.

[heslopian]

I think you're trying too hard to be lyrical, and that disfigures your otherwise great sentences. Pare down your style, don't try too hard to look classical, express your ideas in a simpler way; trust me, they'll look more profound, as well as be easier to read. For instance, "In an abandon theatre, is the place she has come to dance." First off, it should be "abandoned," as "abandon" in this context is a verb, but I'm sure that was just a typo. Secondly, your swapping around of the sentence's two halves serves no practical purpose; it doesn't help the flow, and "dance" doesn't rhyme with the final word of any of the immediately succeeding lines. In my opinion, the sentence should be written like this: "She came to the abandoned theatre to dance."
This is a very good poem - dark, Gothic, haunting, sweet, personal, lovely, and strong - but the style of construction is too dense and complex (IMHO). I'd suggest applying my formula - simplify and re-arrange, remove words - to the other lines, and also, as Billy said, use more enjambment.