in the dream

[heslopian]

Yeah, billy pretty much has it spot on with a metaphors, though I don't think they're that much of a problem. The reason why they probably stick out in this piece is because since the scenario is a dreamscape, the images should in theory have more freedom to shift and move fluidly without the rigidity of "like" and "as". But still, it's superb.

I especially like how the verses cut even in mid-thought; it really does mimic the shifting perspectives of a dream, where impressions flow without necessary rhyme. i really enjoyed the read

Thanks addy The shifting perspectives thing was unintentional, though, I'm afraid: I simply wanted to write a poem where all the stanzas had the same amount of lines, save that last sentence. But I'm glad my work had dimensions beyond what I'd originally planned!
I'm going to try and break out of my restrictive simile habit; I use the word "like" far too often. I sound "like" a drug addict promising to give up the crack for the millionth time haha.